


It's Okay to be Broken

by Daughter_Of_TheSea



Series: Original Short Stories [4]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Falling In Love, Gay, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love, M/M, broken boys fall in love basically, referenced conversion therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:33:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23993080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daughter_Of_TheSea/pseuds/Daughter_Of_TheSea
Summary: Harrington Orphanage: A place to go when you've got no options left.
Series: Original Short Stories [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1776754
Kudos: 2





	It's Okay to be Broken

The full moon glowed dimly through the clouds as the ice cold rain beat down on the cobbled pathway. Walking along the sidewalk, shivering and cold, was a boy. A boy no older than 16 years old with curly hair the colour of sawdust and eyes the colour of olives. He walks with his head down in an attempt to drown the memories inside him. He was scared, terrified really. _What if they found him?_ It only took three months for the boy to run away from the horrid institute. A place built to make people hate themselves. He considered himself lucky. Most people don’t leave that place, and when they do they don’t come out the same. 

The boy didn’t notice the girl also walking down the cobble sidewalk. She did, however, notice him. She approached the boy cautiously and spoke out to him once she was close enough, 

“Lovely weather for a walk,” she chuckled awkwardly. The boy startled. His hand goes to his chest and he jumps at the sudden voice. When his eyes fall to the platinum blonde girl he smiles. 

“No,” he replies, “Not really.” The girl walks closer to the boy until they’re standing side by side. She shields him from the rain with her large black umbrella. The boy utters a small thanks. 

“Why are you out here?”

“I don’t have anywhere else to go,” he shrugs. The girl looks at him with understanding in her crystal eyes. 

“Do you not have any relatives? What about your parents?” The boy shakes his head. 

“They’re the reason I’m out here,” he admits. The girl smiles, it’s understanding and sympathetic. She takes his wrist gently and starts pulling him in the direction she had come from. The boy panics and pulls his wrist away from her, removing himself from underneath the umbrella in the process. 

“Where are you taking me? I don’t even know you?” The girl laughs and her hand plays with a strand of her hair nervously. 

“Sorry, I guess that was rude of me. I’m Sadie Hawkins,” she said.

“Harland May,” the boy says cautiously. He’s eyeing the girl warily. The rain starts pouring harder and Harland shuffles back underneath the umbrella reluctantly. 

“It’s pouring,” Sadie says, “I live at Harrington Orphanage, that’s where I was going to bring you.” Harland’s nose wrinkles in distaste.

“No thanks,” he spits, “I’d rather not.” Sadie frowns and Harland fears maybe he offended the girl momentarily. But really, there can’t be anything good about an orphanage. 

“It’s not a normal Orphanage,” Sadie says, “You won’t be shuttled from foster home to foster home or anything. This is a place for people to go when they have nowhere else to go. Most of the people there are runaways or people who lost their parents. Basically all of us carry some sort of trauma.” Suddenly, the place did seem more appealing. He had run away hadn’t he? No, he was kicked from his house and disowned. He ran away from that institution, not his home. Harland contemplated momentarily, his eyebrows drawn together and lips pursed in a frown.

“Alright,” Harland sighed, “I’ll go.” Sadie smiled widely and started dragging him by the wrist once more. She walked fast, strangely fast. If Harland himself wasn’t a fast walker he’d be struggling to keep up.

She turned through the streets until they reached a grey stone building. The sign above the door read ‘ _106 Tallenhall Road, Harrington Orphanage’_ Sadie closed her umbrella as she stepped up the few stairs and opened the wooden door. She placed the umbrella in a holder next to the door. There were probably two dozen other black umbrella’s in there. 

Harland takes in his surroundings. He’s in a small entryway currently. Across from him is a staircase and a door that’s propped open. It appears to lead to the kitchen. To his left there is an archway on the wall, when he peers through he can see a large living room with several seating areas for people to rest. On the right wall is another archway which attaches to a long hallway. The hallway has several doors on either side of the hallway. 

Harland could hear the sound of footsteps approaching. A middle aged woman is stepping down the stairs. She’s pretty, raven coloured hair in a messy bun and almond brown eyes. She’s smiling brightly at him despite the fact that he’s just walked in dripping wet in the middle of the night.

“This is Harland May,” Sadie says to the woman, “He’s got nowhere else to go.” The woman nods and tells Sadie to go to bed. Sadie disappears down the hallway to the right, presumably to go to her room.

“Welcome darling,” the woman says. Her eyes look him up and down, “Goodness you must be freezing!” Harland nods and the woman ushers him past the entryway and up the stairs. At the top of the stairs there’s another hallway with several doors on either side. She pushes him into the first door on the right, a bathroom. 

“Stay here,” she says. She leaves the room and Harland is left alone. The bathroom is pretty, white tiles and maroon cabinets. The woman comes back with a maroon towel and a set of clothes. 

“I estimated your size,” she smiles, “You can have a warm bath or shower, take as long as you need. I’ll be waiting downstairs for when you're done and I’ll get you situated in a room.” Harland feels a warmth inside him at the hospitality this woman is showing. 

“Thank you Miss- umm…” he trails off nervously as he realizes she never said her name. The woman seems to come to the same realization. 

“I forgot to introduce myself,” the woman gasps, “How rude of me. I’m Miss Gilbert. But please, call me Camille.” He thanks Camille once more and she leaves him alone in the bathroom. Harland steps into the shower for a quick but warm and soothing shower. The clothes she picked fit Harland surprisingly well. They’re obviously pyjamas. Black boxers, a pair of red plaid bottoms and a white t-shirt.

Harland leaves the bathroom with his towel and old clothes on his arm and walks back downstairs. Camille must hear him because she’s exiting the living room as he comes down. She takes the wet clothes and towel from him, 

“I’ll take care of these,” she says. She then starts walking down the hallway of doors again and beckons him to follow. She stops in front of the second door on the right, 

“This will be your room. You don’t have a roommate as of now but that may change so don’t get too comfortable,” she says, “Of course if you're not comfortable sharing a room or would rather have a roommate due to trauma or past events we can make arrangements.” I open the door and am greeted with a mostly plain room. There is a bed in each corner in front of me. Each bed has a side table and a dresser at the end of it. There are also two desks in the room, one on the same wall as the door and one on the right wall. 

“There are some clothes for you in the dresser,” Camille explains, “The sheets on the bed are newly washed. All necessities are on your desk. Feel free to make yourself comfy and I’ll be upstairs in the second room on the left if you need me.” Harland nods and Camille leaves the room, closing the door behind her. He moves over to the bed on the right side of the room and settles beneath the grey comforter. He’s so exhausted and it’s so comfy he falls asleep almost instantly.

The sun wakes Harland up, it peeks through the white curtains that Harland forgot to close last night. The window is between the two beds. Harland stretches and slips out of bed. Instinctively he makes his bed as he did at home. 

He wanders over to his desk to see a bunch of stuff sitting on top. Deodorant, toothbrush, toothpaste, dental floss, lotion, a hairbrush, a couple pens, some pencils, and a notebook. Harland isn’t sure why a notebook and writing supplies is considered a necessity but he supposes it might be nice to have something to occupy himself with.

Harland moves to his dresser, there are six drawers. Four big ones on the sides and two smaller ones in the middle. He opens each drawer. The two small ones are underwear and socks, the longer ones have shirts, trousers, pyjamas, and hoodies. There are a weeks worth of each object, with the exception of hoodies as there are only two.

Harland throws on a pair of white ripped jeans, black socks, and a grey hoodie. The hoodie doesn’t have anything on it, it’s only grey. 

Harland leaves his room and closes the door softly behind him. The house feels much more alive with the daylight filling the halls. He can hear chatter coming from the living space. He wants to join but he’s also nervous too. He’s scared of people judging him. 

Harland takes a deep breath and then picks up the courage to walk to the living room. People glance as he enters but nobody seems to take much care. Harland spots Sadie waving him over from where she’s sitting on a bean bag chair at the far end of the long room. There are two other girls in bean bags beside her. One girl looks identical to Sadie except for the hair style. While Sadie’s wavy hair only goes to her shoulder’s the other girl’s goes to her waist. But that’s the only difference between them. 

Harland sits down in an empty bean bag and smiles warmly at Sadie. 

“Good morning Harland,” she greets. The girl beside her, the identical one, also waves. 

“I’m Odetta,” she says, “Sadie’s _older_ twin.” Sadie rolls her eyes at her sister, 

“Why do you always have to put emphasis on you being older, it was only three minutes.”

“Best three minutes of my life,” Odetta replies. Harland chuckles and Sadie gasps dramatically. She pretends to faint on her beanbag, apparently appalled. The third girl laughed softly. Her laugh sounds like wind chimes in a soft breeze. She has chest length, straight, light brown hair and gorgeous hazel eyes. 

“I’m Fawn,” the girl says. She talks quietly but not so quiet that she’s inaudible. Harland smiles at the three girls. He doesn’t really feel like talking, even though they seem nice. He feels like he should say something, but he doesn’t want to at the same time. 

“How was your first night?” Sadie asks, “I remember my first night. I was terrified, at least I had Odetta.” 

“I passed out as soon as I climbed into bed,” Harland admitted sheepishly. The three girls chuckled, 

“It’s good that you're comfy,” Odetta says. Harland nods in agreement. He did feel comfy here. It had such a homey feel and everyone had been so nice so far. He briefly remembered what Sadie said yesterday about almost everyone having trauma. Maybe that was what made them so nice. 

Fawn’s gaze moves from Harland to just behind him. Harland turns around. He’s ashamed when his heart skips a beat at the sight of this boy. He appears the same age as Harland. His hair is chestnut brown and his eyes are dark, almost black. He’s not smiling but he somehow still appears beautiful. 

“Gray,” Fawn says, “This is Harland. He’s new.” The guy Harland assumes is Gray glances at him for only a moment before his gaze moves back to Fawn. That moment is all Harland needs to feel his heart start pounding. 

He knows it’s wrong and it goes against everything he’s been told. It’s the whole reason his parents hate him, the reason he was sent to that awful place. If he wasn’t broken he wouldn’t have had to live through the pain. If he was normal he would still have a family. But he wasn’t normal. 

“Talk,” the boy says to Fawn. It’s vague and strange but Fawn seems to understand what he means and stands up. Him and fawn leave the room together, him slightly in front of her. 

“Who was that?” Harland asks the two girls left with him.

“Gray,” Sadie says, “His full name is Graysen but he hates when people call him that unless it’s Camille. Nobody knows his last name, he refuses to use it.” Odetta nods and continued for her twin, 

“He’s been here the longest out of everyone here, nine years to be exact. He’s a bit of a mystery. He doesn’t say anything about why he’s here, he hates most of us and acts rude a lot but at the same time he’s essentially adopted Fawn and respects Camille greatly. He thinks of Fawn as a little sister. She’s the only person besides Camille who knows anything about his life before the orphanage.”

Harland was intrigued by this boy. He guessed that his trauma had something to do with his parental figure, or figures, due to the rejection of his last name and how much he disliked being called his full first name. 

“How old is he?” Harland inquires. 

“16,” Odetta answers. That mean’s Gray came to the orphanage at 7. What happened before 7 that would leave a child in an orphanage? Maybe his parents died. Harland figures it would be rude to ask so he doesn’t. It’s not like he’s too keen to share his own experiences. 

Gray sits on his bed, across from him Fawn is settled on her own. It’s the hardest day of the year for Gray. Over nine years ago his sister died. She died because of a monster, a monster who was supposed to love them. But he didn’t. Gray could handle what happened when that monster grew angry or bored. But his sister was fragile. 

If he had been home when _he_ got bored then maybe his sister would still be alive. Gray was fine with taking it. He could clean the cuts, ice the bruises, even learned to stitch up his larger gashes. He could deal with the pain and the words. His sister couldn’t. 

Gray wanted to cry, but he’d been taught that men can’t cry. Some lessons are hard to forget when the consequences of disobeying were so great. 

“It’s okay to show a little weakness sometimes,” Fawn whispers, “You taught me that. You were the one that told me I was allowed to cry after what I went through, why do you not apply the same thing to yourself?” Gray grits his teeth, he can’t bear to meet Fawn’s eyes right now. He can’t bear to see that disappointed look in her eyes. He hated disappointing her. Because he saw her as a sister. She was the sister he lost. 

When Fawn came to the orphanage Gray treated her as he did everyone else, with indifference. But when she broke down and told Camille what had happened to her right outside his door, he realized they had a lot in common. They both lost someone they loved due to a real life monster with a short fuse. 

He even helped her with her name. Her birth name was Bridgette, Bridgette Clara Goodwin. She hated being called that. That name was tied with too many bad memories. Just like his own. So Gray suggested the name Fawn, the name of his little sister. She loved it. Since that day Gray has sworn to protect and love her, be there for her when she feels lonely and be a shoulder to cry on when the world becomes too much.

“I’m a boy,” Gray says, “Boy’s don’t cry.” 

“Boys who were abused do,” Fawn hisses. Gray flinches at the bluntness in her statement. There’s a welt of panic in his stomach. His skin prickles uncomfortably. He buries his face into his pillow. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. 

“Distract me,” Gray pleads. Fawn sighs and moves to sit down next to Gray. She rubs his back gently, even after nine years he still flinches at her initial contact, and she begins to sing. 

“When the rain is blowing in your face. And the whole world is on your case. I could offer you a warm embrace.” Gray feels his throat tightening but desperately tries to keep the tears at bay. The words swim through his brain, all the reasons he’s a failure, all the reasons he’s a pathetic excuse for a human. He tries to drown out the voice of him and listen to Fawn. Fawn is all that matters now. 

“And make you feel my love.” Things felt easier with Fawn. She understood him, she knew what it was like. 

“I know you haven't made your mind up yet. But I will never do you wrong.” This song had become Gray’s favourite. Fawn sang it so beautifully. Fawn said it reminded her of her mother and the song’s that she used to sing to her. Fawn never could bring herself to sing the songs her mom used too, it was always too emotional. Gray knows she must miss her mom horribly: What happened was awful. 

“I’ve known it from the moment that we met. No doubt in my mind where you belong.” Fawn moved to run her fingers through Gray’s hair. It’s soft and silky, just how Gray liked to have it. 

“I’d go hungry I’d go black and blue. I’d go crawling down the avenue. No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do to make you feel my love.” I ignore the warm streaks on my face and the salty taste on my lips. It’s not there, it’s not there. 

“The storms are raging on the rolling seas, and on the highways of regret.” 

“The winds of change are blowing wild and free,” Gray sings with Fawn, “You ain’t seen nothing like me yet.” His voice is rough from the lump in his throat but it still sounds good. Maybe it isn’t as good as it usually is, but that’s alright. Gray continues to sing and Fawn listens,

“I could make you happy, make your dreams come true. There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do. Go to the ends of the earth for you to make you feel my love.”

“To make you feel my love,” Fawn echoes him. He smiles at the girl and ignores the tears that are still flowing freely down his cheeks. His heart aches with regret and guilt for his little sister’s demise. He would never get rid of the guilt that plagued him, he would always blame himself for that. 

“It’s okay,” Fawn whispers as Gray continues to cry silently. He’s fighting the urge to punish himself for his tears. He wants to be better, for Fawn. 

“It’s okay,” Fawn repeats. She knows it’s not. But that’s not why she says it. “It’s okay. Not because it’s okay right now. Because one day, it will be. One day, it will be okay.” Gray nods and he thanks Fawn. Fawn smiles at him and gently kisses his cheek. She moves slowly so he knows what she’s doing. Gray’s gotten used to affection now and he doesn’t flinch at every small touch. It’s only when people move towards him too fast or touch him from behind when he can’t see them. 

“I love you,” Gray whispers. 

“I love you too Gray,” Fawn replies. Gray smiles genuinely, he doesn’t know what he would do without her. There’s a soft knock at the door, a knock that could only belong to one person.

“Come in,” Fawn calls. Camille peeks her head in, she knows what day it is for Gray. 

“Do you need anything?” She asks. Gray is sure she can see the tear stains on his cheeks and the redness in his eyes. He’s thankful she doesn’t say anything.

“No thank you,” Gray whispers. Camille nods and gives Gray one last comforting smile before leaving the room. 

Gray loved Camille for the hospitality she had given him all this time. When she found him in the street he was a child with nothing in him. He was empty and numb. He didn’t talk to anyone, he was selectively mute. But soon Camille became the mother figure he never had and she helped him. He’s not okay. But that’s okay. 

The day passed quickly and Harland soon found himself in his room one more. But it was different from last night. He didn’t pass out as soon as he hit the bed, in fact, he was wide awake. He tossed and turned and tried everything but he couldn’t sleep. He wasn’t even tired. Harland glances over at the alarm clock by his bed. 1:23 it read. With a sigh Harland stepped out of bed and put his grey sweater over his white pj shirt. 

He tiptoed out of the room so as not to wake anybody else and ventured into the living room. He realized when he entered he wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sleep.

Gray was also there. He was sitting on one of the couches in front of the fireplace, staring into the nonexistent fire. Gray didn’t acknowledge the new boy entering the room but he knew he was there.  
Harland also ignored the boy in the room. He sat down on the couch perpendicular to Gray and stared out the front window. It was raining again, sometimes it felt like it never stopped raining in Vancouver. 

The silence continued and both boys wondering which one of them would break it. Who would talk first? Because they would both be lying if they said they weren’t curious about each other. 

For Harland it was the mystery of the boy, and maybe his beauty. For Gray it was that fact that he was new. But he must say even that was unusual to him. Maybe it was that he was the same age as him and only just coming here. Usually kids came younger. 10-13 was the average.

“Why are you up?” Harland whispers. He doesn’t say it very loud but after the absolute silence it sounds deafening. 

“Couldn’t sleep,” Gray replied truthfully. He was mostly truthful. He couldn’t sleep because he had already tried and was awoken by the nightmares. It’s often like this. He’s out here a lot, almost every night. 

“Same,” Harland replies. The silence that follows is now awkward. Both boys feel like they should say something but neither knows what to say. 

“Welcome to Harrington,” Gray says. Harland chuckles. Gray feels butterflies stirring in his stomach. 

“It’s nice here. Everyone has been so kind,” Harland says. He’s truly happy he came here. He can’t imagine where he would be if Sadie hadn’t found him. 

“I suppose we’ve all had enough hate in our lives, why make things worse?” Harland agrees with Gray’s words. Hate was never the answer. If everyone hates on everyone nothing gets better. Harland supposes maybe he should apply his views to himself.  
“You know,” Harland laughs, “Sadie and Odetta made you sound unfriendly. But you don’t seem so bad.” Gray isn’t sure how to feel about that. He shifts awkwardly on the couch. Neither boy has looked at each other yet. 

“I’ve never been the friendliest,” Gray admits, “But I don’t wish ill on anyone.” Except the person who hurt Fawn, both of the Fawn’s. 

“You seem friendly to me,” Harland said. Gray’s stomach twisted in knots and he felt the need to look over to Harland. The boy was beautiful. 

He couldn’t see the colour of his hair or his eyes in the dark but the way his hair curled on his head made him look like a prince. Harland looked at Gray and their eyes met. 

Harland felt his breath hitch then their eyes connected. It felt so wrong, the feeling inside, but it also felt so right. He wanted to fight everything he’d ever been told. How could it be wrong to feel something for someone? But it was wrong, and that’s what he had to tell himself. If he did this he’d be hurt.

But Harland couldn’t look away. The dark eyes were drawing him in like a magnet. On the surface they looked as emotionless as they had the first time he saw him, but Harland knew if he looked deeper that there was more there. There was more to this boy than what everyone saw on the surface. 

The nightly talks continued. The conversations weren’t much at first, simple things. During the day they ignored each other. Neither understood why it was this way. Something about the privacy of night made it easier to talk. Gray remained as emotionless and careless as he always was during the day. But at night things changed. 

The first time Harland saw Gray smile he felt his heart exploding. It was becoming harder as the months continued to deny what he was feeling. But he was scared, immensely scared. He still couldn’t fight the negative voices that told him he was an abomination. They never touched on their pasts, until one night. 

“I think you're the oldest person I’ve seen come into this place,” Gray says. Harland frowns at the boy sitting beside him. That was something else that changed. After talking for a while the Harland moved to share the same couch as Gray.

“Oh,” Harland said. It wasn’t much of a reply. But he didn’t know what else to say to him. 

“I didn’t mean it as a bad thing,” Gray said, “It was just an observation.” Harland could hear the unspoken question. Gray was curious as to why he was here. Harland wasn’t sure if he should share. Last time he came out didn’t go so well. _I suppose we’ve all had enough hate in our lives, why make things worse?_ The words Gray spoke on that first night echo in his brain. He has no idea how he remembered them, but he did. Deciding that he trusted Gray he spoke,

“My parents...” How Gray flinched when he mentioned parents did not go unnoticed by Harland. “Kicked me out of the house. They uh… they sent me to a place. Conversion therapy to be exact. It… it was awful. The thing they said were-” Harland couldn’t find the words anymore. 

“You don’t have to explain,” Gray said. But now Harland wanted too. He trusted Gray. Harland shook his head and smiled at Gray, 

“It’s time I told someone. It’s not good to keep everything to myself,” He said. Gray’s smile was understanding. His eyes were soft and fond. Gray was sure his adoration was written across his face. But Harland had no idea about the other boy's affection. Harland took a deep breath and then continued,

“They would show us slideshows with images of couples, sometimes they were videos. Anytime there was an interaction between two boys they would shock me, intensely. Some of the people there just enjoyed whipping us in their spare time. Every single day I was told I was sick, an abomination, a-” Harland began to choke up and he stopped talking. He avoided looking at Gray, he didn’t want to know what the boy was thinking about him. 

“They’re wrong,” Gray said. Harland’s head shot up. The shock in his watery eyes was evident. “You're not sick, nor are you an abomination.” Harland didn’t know it would be so emotional to hear someone say that. He blinked away the tears in his eyes but a few escaped and slid down his cheeks. Gray’s smile lowered and he glanced anxiously to the side. He was nibbling on his lower lip. 

“It started when I was three,” Gray sighed. Harland’s eyes widened when he realized Gray was opening up to him. 

“Just cause I shared my experience doesn’t mean you have too,” Harland said. Gray laughed, a sound that was like music to Harland. Gray was grateful for Harland’s sympathy but he wanted to do this. 

“My- My father, he was a good guy. But one day he snapped,” Gray started, “It started small, a hit here a punch there. But things progressed quickly.” Gray chuckled grimly and he still wouldn’t meet Harland’s eyes as he spoke. “His punishments depending on what mood he was in. He- he might throw me against uh- a wall, or- or smash a bottle on my head, sometimes he used a belt or a butcher's knife,” Gray’s voice trembled, “But his words… they were what hurt the most. The things he said when accompanied with the pain I felt was unbearable.”

Harland felt his own heart aching for the boy in front of him. The pain was evident on his face even as Gray tried to hide it. 

“If I did something he didn’t like he would punish me until I learnt my lesson,” Gray explained, “If I screamed or cried during my punishment I would be punished further. I wasn’t allowed to cry at all, crying was for girls. Crying was for the weak. I thought it couldn't get worse but then…” Gray stopped. Harland waited patiently as Gray took a couple breaths. He could tell it was hard for Gray to talk about. 

“You don’t have to finish,” Harland whispered. Gray smiled at Harland, meeting his eyes for the first time. There was so much pain and emotion behind them. Harland wanted to make it all better, make it go away. But nobody could erase that past.

“I want too.” 

“Okay,” Harland replied, “Take your time.” Gray took only a moment more to steady his breathing before he continued his story,

“My father decided I would be a good vessel for his own… pleasure. I think out of everything I hated that most. The only reason I didn’t leave was because of my sister. Her name was Fawn...” Gray ignored the confused look on Harland’s face at the name. “She was the best thing in my life. She was two years younger than me. Father had never touched her, I made sure of it. But one day I was out buying food and I- When I came home I heard her screaming,” Gray started choking up. He was shaking now. He knew this would be hard to retell.

“I ran inside and found her on the ground. He- my father was-” Gray broke off and shook his head as a few tears slid down his ivory cheeks, “The sight was awful. He raped her. He got pissed at her screams and cries and I watched as he took a bottle and smashed her on the head. And then a second, and then a third.” Gray was attempting to speak through the tears that were inevitably not stopping. “He hit her until she stopped crying and went limp. Then he used her for his pleasure and then left her in the middle of the floor like his wasted trash,” Gray hissed. “When I realized she was dead, that was when I knew I had to leave. I left with nothing, I just ran. I was alone for two days until Camille found me, scared, starving, and frail. She brought me here and she helped me. I didn’t talk for a long time after the incident because I was so distraught. But Camille helped me and then Fawn came.” 

Gray supposed he should clear up the name confusion. “Her real name isn’t Fawn,” he explained, “She hated her name due to her trauma, so I suggested the name Fawn.” Harland nodded in understanding and Gray finished off his story, “Fawn and Camille saved me. Saved me from him and from myself. They taught me that my past does not define me, my trauma does not define me. What happened was not my fault.” 

Gray wiped away the tears on his cheeks. Harland was also crying now, silent tears rolled down his cheeks. 

“I’m so sorry,” Harland said, “Can I hug you?” Gray was thankful that he offered instead of just doing so. He didn’t like being touched without warning. Gray moved forward and slowly wrapped his arms around Harland. Harland’s arms wrapped around Gray’s waist and he tucked his head in his neck. 

The two boys stayed like that for a long time. They savoured the moment, the contact. Yes, there was a part of each of them that was scared. But they both found that things were just a little less scary with each other. 

Things were different after that day. They’re night time talks got more personal and they had deeper conversations. They sat closer together but they still avoided contact. Even if part of both of them longed for it. The biggest change, however, was during the day. The two started hanging out during the day and spending time with each other. Gray started sitting between Fawn and Harland in the living room and participating in conversation on occasion. He did, surprisingly, enjoy Sadie and Odetta. 

“Gray,” Fawn said. Gray was sitting with Harland on a bench outside the Orphanage. The sun was out and it wasn’t raining for once. Gray offered to bring Harland around the neighbourhood a bit and show him his favourite places but Harland wasn’t comfortable leaving the Orphanage. Gray could understand that. 

Gray looked over at Fawn, 

“Yeah?” 

“Talk,” she said. Harland had seen them do this a couple of times. Gray had explained that this was their way of saying they really needed to talk or were being bothered by their trauma. Either way, it was something that couldn’t be ignored. Gray said a quick goodbye and then followed Fawn back to their shared room. 

“What’s wrong?” Gray asked. Fawn sat down on her bed. She was worrying her lip between her teeth, deciding how to start speaking. 

“This isn’t about me actually,” Fawn says. Gray is slightly worried now and confused. “I noticed you and Harland are getting close,” she explained. Gray felt himself panicking inside. Was it that obvious? Fawn seems to tell he’s panicking and places a gentle hand on his shoulder, 

“I’m not mad at you or anything, and I love you. I just want to make sure that you’re sure about this. You can talk to me, you know.” Gray couldn’t begin to express how much he loved Fawn. 

“I’m gay,” Gray admitted. Fawn smiled widely,

“I’m proud of you.” Gray laughed and slowly moved in for a hug. Fawn hugged him back. 

“I like him a lot,” Gray says, “I’m scared though. If we got into a relationship and he expects se- _that_ I don’t think I could do it without seeing myself back in that room with my father.” Fawn nods in understanding, 

“If he truly cares about you he won’t care about the physical aspect of your relationship. Sex doesn’t make a relationship, you don’t need to do anything you’re not ready for. I’m sure he’ll understand that. Plus, he’s been through his own trauma; he might not want that either,” Fawn says, “If you care for him, then go for it. Ask him out.” 

That night the two sat next to one another as usual. They sat in comfortable silence. Gray couldn’t stop thinking about what Fawn had said. Out of all the people he’s met at this Orphanage, nobody made him feel how Harland had. He wasn’t sure he could take being rejected. But you never know what will happen if you don’t try. 

“Harland,” Gray started. Harland hummed and looked up at Gray. “Can I ask you something?” Harland felt his nerves spike. He trusted Gray but he had no clue what he could ask. Part of him was scared, though he had no idea why. 

“Yeah,” He said. Gray bit his bottom lip and he fiddled with his ring on his left pointer finger nervously. 

“Would you- uh… fuck,” Gray laughs awkwardly, “Would you go on a date with me?” The silence that followed felt awful. Gray could practically hear his own heart beating. He felt as though it might burst out from his chest. Every second felt like an eternity. Harland was trying to believe what he heard. His heart was racing and he felt like he might puke from the butterflies in his stomach. He thought about how much Gray had changed him. Gray made him love himself. Gray made him feel something, he made him happy. How can that be wrong?

“Yes,” Harland giggled. Gray couldn’t stop the blinding smile that spread across his face. He blushed deeply and Harland reached forward and gently took the other boy's hand. Harland threading his fingers between Gray’s, locking their hands together. Both boys were blushing and grinning widely. They weren’t healed, no romance can heal everything, but they were getting there.

They went to a local park for their date. It was May and was warm enough now to be outside even past sundown. The weather was nice and so both boys decided it would do them good to be outside. 

They strolled through the trees and talked. They didn’t see the need to do much else. They did chase a couple of ducks though, just for fun. Gray couldn’t remember the last time he felt so light.

As the day grew late and the sun began to sink below the horizon, the boys sat down in a secluded area of the park together. Gray felt slightly uncomfortable in the dark park but he didn’t want the date to end yet.

The two lay side by side in the grass, their shoulders pressed together. Gray looked down at where their hands were resting and moved to take Harland’s hand in his. Harland smiled at him and Gray practically melted. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to what Harland’s smile did to him. 

“Does this mean I can call you my boyfriend now?” Harland giggled. He tried to brush it off casually but Gray knew he was scared. Harland still had problems with being gay sometimes. But Gray knew he was getting better and he wanted this, Harland had said so himself.

“I’d like to think so,” Gray answered, “What do you want to tell people?” Harland shrugged,

“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with people knowing just yet. Not because of you, because I’m still scared to come out.” Gray understood, and he said so. Harland looked at Gray with such adoration it took his breath away. To say it didn’t go both ways would be highly incorrect. 

“Can I kiss you?” Harland asked. Gray panicked inwardly. His eyes widened and he withdrew his hand from Harlands in fear. 

“I- No,” Gray whispered. He immediately felt bad, he didn’t want to hurt Harland. He didn’t want to make him think he didn’t want to. He did, he wanted to. But he simply couldn’t right now. He wasn’t there yet. 

“I’m sorry… I just- I can’t.”

“I understand,” Harland said, mirroring Gray’s response to him not wanting to come out. “I’m sorry I tried to rush you. You can take all the time you need, I’ll be fine if you decide you never want to kiss me. I understand why.” Gray didn’t know how he got so lucky to find someone so understanding but he truly adored this boy. 

Gray pulled Harland in for a tight hug. Harland responded enthusiastically, starling Gray slightly. Gray tensed and Harland apologized. Gray knew he was safe, it was just his instincts. He relaxed and the two cuddled there in the grass for what felt like forever until they returned to the Orphanage and retired to their own rooms for the night.

“Six months,” Harland gasps, “It’s hard to believe I’ve only known you guys for six months. It feels like it’s been forever.” Sadie can’t help but agree. She’s laying on a picnic blanket because she didn’t want to get sand on her. They were at a beach together sitting on a secluded portion of the sandy expanse. The hot July sun was beating down on them. 

Odetta flicked open her intricate Japanese holding fan. It was a bamboo silk fan, the last gift she received from her mother before she killed herself. The front had a landscape painted on it, large, frothy ocean waves.

She started to fan herself in an attempt to cool down. They could have gone swimming but Harland didn’t have a bathing suit, Gray and Fawn were uninterested and the twins didn’t feel like swimming without anyone else. 

“Bet you wish you brought a bathing suit now,” Fawn giggles. Odetta glares half-heartedly at the brunette. 

“I’m perfectly fine,” she states stubbornly. Harland has learned over his time at the orphanage just how competitive and stubborn Odetta was. She hates losing or being wrong.

Harland had no idea how Gray wasn’t overheating. He was wearing a black leather jacket, grey t-shirt, and black ripped jeans with a chain on the side. Harland had to admit he looked hot like that. Gray bought the leather jacket in April and has loved it since. He treated it like it was his baby. Harland found it endearing.

Fawn had bought the same jacket in a pale pink colour to match Gray. She also wore hers on the way to the beach but has since taken it off due to the heat. Underneath she wore a short, flowy white skirt and a white crop top. 

Gray was content to sit in silence, listening to the conversation and staring at his boyfriend. _Boyfriend._ It’s been two months and Gray still can’t believe that he’s with Harland. Gray and Harland still hadn’t told anybody about their relationship, but he wouldn’t be surprised if people figured it out themselves. You could see it in the way they looked at each other. How Harland stared at Gray as though he hung the moon and Gray looked at Harland as if he _was_ the moon. 

“I don’t understand how the sun can be so hot!” Sadie whined. 

“It’s literally a giant ball of burning gas,” Harland said, amused. Sadie shrugged and lay down on her back. She squints as the sun goes into her eyes.

“Harland, do me a favour and sit in front of the sun please?” Harland chuckled but shifted over slightly to block the sun. The shift meant however that he was no longer close enough to Gray that their shoulders brushed against one another when either of them moved. Gray frowned as the boy moved away. Fawn seemed to notice Gray deflate the tiniest bit. The girl suspected for a while something was going on between them. He knew Gray like Harland so it wouldn’t surprise her if the idiot got the courage to ask him out. 

Harland smiled at Gray apologetically and Gray shrugged his shoulder ever so slightly in return. Odetta narrowed her eyes at the exchange, she was an observant girl. She had noticed how the two changed around each other and was growing curious.

“Okay,” Odetta closed her fan dramatically, “Something’s going on between you two?” Odetta pointed her fan at Gray and Harland. Both boys froze. Fawn shifted closer to Gray in a small show of support in case he decided to talk. Harland felt a creeping feeling of anxiety in his body. It was like a buzzing underneath his skin. His breath quicked ever so slightly. 

Odetta noted the sudden panic in Harland. 

“Harland?” Odetta pried. Harland’s brain was moving ninety kilometres an hour. He weighed the pros and cons of admitting the truth. Harland bit his lip and glanced over at Gray with a question in his eyes. Gray gave the tiniest head nod, signalling his approval. 

“We’re dating,” Harland said softly, gaze down at the sand. Sadie jolted up at his words, eyes wide in shock. 

“Seriously?” Sadie asked. Her gaze shifted between the two boys so fast Gray feared she may get whiplash. Harland felt the fears building in his brain _. What if they didn’t like it? What if they told Camille and she didn’t like it?_ He didn’t want anyone to send him back to that place. 

Gray nodded in confirmation when Sadie looked over at him. His hands were in his lap. He was subconsciously running this left thumb over his right wrist back and forth. 

“Congrats!” Sadie beamed. Odetta had a similar reaction, the girl was positively beaming for her friend. 

“Awe! I’m happy for you!” Odetta cheered. Harland felt the relief wash through his body. His shoulders relaxed and he allowed himself to smile up at his friends, and over at Gray. 

“You're okay with it?” Harland still worried, his mind was simply wired like that. Odetta moved to hug Harland briefly, 

“Of course! Love is love.” Harland felt his cheeks heat up at the use of the word love. _Did he love Gray?_ He was attracted to him, that was certain. He cared about him and he cherished him. Did that mean he loved him? How did one know when they were in love? 

Harland was in love. He knew it now. Gray encompassed his every thought. He couldn’t get enough of the boy. He wanted every moment between them to last forever. The moments when Gray would allow Harland to see him vulnerable, the moments when they would lay together on the couch, one of them holding the other until they were almost asleep. But every moment had to end, it always did. Eventually the boys had to return to their separate rooms. But it was always difficult for Harland to remove himself from the comfort of Gray’s arms. Or sometimes it was the other way, Gray safely tucked in Harland’s arms. 

Almost every night they found themselves cuddled together in some way. Obviously, there were still days where Gray didn’t want to be touched and Harland respected that. There were days when Harland would remember the shocks and the hits he got for feeling as he did and distance himself from Gray. But they talked and they respected each other's boundaries.

Gray was in love. He used to be scared but now he’s not. Harland feels right. Sure, it doesn’t erase his problems. He still gets nightmares and he still needs support here and there. There are still days where he doesn’t want to talk to anyone, and days he wants to scream. Sometimes there’s nothing Harland can do to help him, but that’s okay. Because he’s given Gray has a reason to get better now, a motivation to keep moving. Most of all, he’s given Gray someone to love.

Harland was gently carding his fingers through the soft, velvety hair of his boyfriend who was pressed against his chest. Gray enjoyed the feeling of Harland’s hand in his hair, as well as the gentleness in which he held him. He felt protected and safe. 

Harland yawned and attempted to fight the overwhelming urge to sleep. Harland shifted and tapped Gray on the shoulder three times, signaling it was time to go back to their rooms. Gray groaned and didn’t move for a solid second before he reluctantly pulled away and stood up. He held out his hand for Harland and the two walked hand in hand together to the hall. 

When they reached Harland’s room Harland realized he didn’t want Gray to go. As Gray started to walk away Harland held his hand a little tighter and gently guided him back. 

“Stay with me?” Harland opened the door to his room and gestured inside. Gray glanced behind him and pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. A nervous habit he did a lot. A small realization hits Harland,

“It’s nothing sexual, I promise. I just want to be with you.” Gray hesitated still. 

“I’m not sure,” he whispered. Harland nodded and squeezed Gray’s hand reassuringly. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” He whispered. Gray didn’t want to leave. He longed to stay with Harland. 

“I’ll stay,” Gray said. Harland smiled and led the taller boy into his room. He’d slowly started to make it his own, adding clothes and things he bought. Camille gave them some money every now and then to buy their own things and make their room feel homier and more personalized.  
Harland took off his sweater so he was just in his t-shirt and bottoms and settled down into his bed. Gray hesitated a moment but soon crawled in beside Harland. He was shaking. Harland took Gray’s hands in his and gently kissed the tops of both. 

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he said. Gray nodded, 

“I know. I trust you.” 

Harland wrapped his arms around Gray once more and the boy melted into him. Gray felt his worries slipping away. 

“Gray?” 

“Yeah?” His voice came out meak and dazed. 

“Why do you always wear a sweater? Or your leather jacket?” Gray tensed up momentarily and Harland softly rubbed his back. Gray moved back so he could roll up the right sleeve of his black sweater to his elbow, 

“Because it's less conspicuous than a long sleeve shirt,” He said plainly as Harland gazed down at his forearm. The tanned skin was littered with several white lines, some slightly thicker than others. Harland gently took Gray’s arm and placed four gentle kisses, one on his wrist, two more in the middle, and one just below the crook of his elbow. Gray felt his heart racing in his chest and he was so overwhelmed with emotions for the boy in front of him. 

“I love you,” Gray professed. Harland’s breath caught in his throat. He giggled and wrapped Gray in his arms once more. 

“I love you too.” 

Gray relaxed in Harland’s hold and allowed himself to drift asleep listening to the soft breaths of the boy he loved beside him. 

The next night they did the same thing. Except they moved to Harland’s room sooner this time. They lay facing each other, staring at one another and talking. Gray had removed his sweater for the first time, seemingly comfortable with Harland. It made Harland happy that Gray felt comfortable around him. 

“I like to imagine my mother was kind. I used to resent her for leaving me but now I just wish I knew who she was,” Gray said. Harland admired the fact that Gray didn’t resent his mother. It can be so easy to fall into resentment. Who wouldn’t hate their someone for leaving them in an abusive situation? But Gray didn’t, and Harland admired that. 

“Do you still love your parents?” Gray asked.

“I don’t know,” Harland answered truthfully. He wanted to love them. His parents raised him and they had been nothing but amazing until he came out to them. They supported everything he did and always told him he loved them. They gave him a home, food, love, everything. But then they sent him away. All because he didn’t like who he had chosen to love. No, he didn’t choose. You don’t choose who you love. You choose whether or not to pursue that love, but you can never choose who you fall for. 

“But it doesn’t matter if I love them,” Harland says, “Because I love you.” Gray’s whole body fills with warmth.

“I love you too.” Harland stares into Gray’s eyes. There’s so much emotion behind them. He remembers when they looked blank, emotionless. But slowly Gray opened up to him and soon he stopped masking what he felt. Harland did the same. Harland’s eyes flickered to Gray’s lips for only a second but that was enough to send Gray’s heart running.

“I really want to kiss you,” Harland expressed. 

“Okay,” Gray breathed. Harland looked as though he couldn’t quite believe that Gray had agreed. He surveyed his boyfriend's face for any sign of uncertainty. 

“Are you sure?” Gray nodded. Harland didn’t except that, 

“I want to hear you say it. I need to know you’re sure.” 

“Kiss me,” Gray said. Harland moved slowly, giving Gray time to back out at any moment. Harland’s hand went to cup Gray’s face and his thumb gently stroked his cheek. Gray leaned into the touch, his eyes closing. Harlands eyes fluttered closed as their noses brushed. Gray swallowed nervously and let out a shaky breath. Harland feared that Gray didn’t want this, that he was only doing this for Harland. 

Gray did want it. He was sure of himself. It was only a kiss. He wouldn’t be ready to do more for a long time, he had a lot more healing to go. But he wanted to kiss Harland and he didn’t want to wait any longer.

Gray moved forward and closed the remaining space between their lips. A pleasant feeling emerged inside him as the soft lips met his own. His shaking hands moved to tangle themselves in Harland’s messy, dirty-blonde curls. His mind was singing happily and his heart did little flips in his chest. He was completely surrounded by Harland, every one of his senses zoned in on the smaller boy. 

Gray breaks this kiss with a delighted giggle. Harland giggles as well and plants one more quick peck on Gray’s lips. Gray doesn’t flinch at the quick movement. 

The two boys curl up together, Harland’s back pressed against Gray’s chest. Gray presses a lingering kiss on Harland’s shoulder. His arm is draped over Harland’s waist and their hands are clasped together. They drift to sleep with smiles on their faces. 

They’re not perfect, nor are they completely okay. Both have a long way to go and a lot of healing to do. No matter how great a relationship can be, there’s more to healing than cuddles and kisses. But they remind each other that it's important to show the people around you that you love them. They remind each other to be gentle with themselves and to allow their walls to fall down sometimes and accept the love of people around them. But most importantly they remind each other that in the end, it will be okay. And if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.


End file.
